Up until 1 minute ago, I had a hard time coming up with an entry for my “Grateful Thursday” series. The reason for this is that I had not the best of sleep last night as the news of my friend’s father’s cancer diagnosis yesterday has put me in a sombre mood as I am still grieving my mother’s death of cancer and how her struggle and her pain has turned my life upside-down – I am still in recovery (my siblings, too). I am soo sad to know that my friend has to go through the same experience as me and I know it will probably cost her her twenties, it has definitely cost me mine. She was so positive and happy about being able to start her MA in Edinburgh in September, in spite of her anxiety based on the amount of money it will cost her to do so (I always feel so blessed in moments like these, knowing that I studied in a country where free higher education is your constitutional right). I hope she will find the strength to somehow cope with it and that she won’t break like I did.
In addition, to these very tragic news and the wounds it opened, my day didn’t have the best start and has been unusually exhausting. I woke up at 3.30am for whatever reason and thought I had a dead dog lying next to me. I am one of those crazy dog ladies, whose dogs are allowed to sleep in the bed. Although my Border Collie N. is of a size that it will be hard to simply crush her (didn’t keep me from thinking a year ago that I had done exactly that), S. is of a much smaller size and has the tendency to sleep under my duvet pressed against me. So I woke up, realised I was lying on her legs and wondered why she didn’t mind. I put my hand on her chest and couldn’t feel any breathing. I moved the duvet aside and started shoving her (I know you should never wake up a sleeping dog but I was panicking) and she still didn’t move. I screamed at my hubby, telling him the dog was dead. His sudden movement – literally jumping out of bed – woke S. up. She instantly started wagging her tail and washing our faces. God, was I relieved.
Finding sleep afterwards was hard and my thoughts circled around my friend, her imminent future of pain and my painful past. I eventually fell asleep, going in and out of it until I forced myself to get out of bed at 7.30am – completely knackered.
With the month being close to its end and characterised by unexpected costs (vet bill was extortionate), the lack of money on my account has led to a shortage of food in my fridge (I thought those student poverty days were over when all you have for food is cheap pasta and cereals), so I had eggs, tati scones and toast for breakfast. As I am someone who likes her toast on the darker side, I took all the precautions possible to avoid the fire alarm going off by opening all the kitchen windows as well as the back door to circulate the air. What a waste of effort – it went off and almost popped my eardrums. Smoke detector in the kitchen is the stupidest idea ever!
To say the least, I was in a sour, slightly annoyed mood and being grateful seemed utterly impossible.
All of a sudden N. took her favourite toy and threw it at my feet, prompting me to play with her. Playing with N. obviously means that I have to play with S. too, so we ended up playing for quite a while and although I now look like I was dragged through a bramble bush, my mood has brightened. It reminded me of this rather cheesy motivational card saying “Everyday may not be good but there is good in everyday” (is it an Earle quote? can’t remember). If we allow ourselves to do so, we can find something to be grateful for in every day. Even if it is for something as basic as being alive.
Weather forecast looks ok and the sun is out, so I will make sure to spend some time outside. I will also finally finish my essay – what can be better than achieving a goal to brighten your mood?