After I just started listening to the third audiobook about a person who finds him/herself, I pondered if my choice of books is trying to tell me something.
As you know I listened to Wild and Powell’s Julie & Julia, I am reading John Steinbeck’s Travels with Charley – In Search of America and I now downloaded and listened to the first chapter of Alan Titchmarsh’s Mr. Gandy’s Grand Tour. I was lying in bed listening and realised that there is a theme to my choice of audio/books.
They’re all about an individual in crisis. And as it turns out I am in crisis, too. Third-life-crisis!
I am definitely too old to have quarter-life-crisis. In fact, a bigger crisis (my mother’s cancer and eventual death) prevented me from having a quarter-life-crisis and all I can feel is bereft. I wonder would I be less of a mess and would it be easier for me to get my act together if had been blessed with a quarter-life-crisis. The beauty of a quarter-life-crisis is that in spite of all the pressure, you can still hold on to your youth a little longer, you know there are quite a few years of your prime left and most importantly you don’t hear that loud tick, tick, tick of your biological clock.
I call it third-life-crisis hoping that it is not midlife – this is way too pessimistic an outlook. Although I have to be honest, considering my mother’s death at the age of 55, I do fear it sometimes but I try my best not to let that fear overpower me.
So, third-life-crisis it is. Our best friend wikipedia defines the following coping mechanisms as signs of a personal crisis:
- High emotions Check: crying, depression, hypomania, short fuses you name it, I got it!
- Defence mechanisms Well not really, I know I am a mess
- Making rash decisions Sure do, all the time
- Acting out Do you define leaving the country without finishing uni and without a plan or job as acting out?
- Putting things on hold Meet the queen of procrastination, I put everything on hold. Life included.
I quite literally want to change everything about my life. I don’t like it. I hoped that moving abroad would be as effective as hiking the PCT or cooking my way through a French cookbook. It didn’t!
Now, I am pondering various plans for my life and my future hoping that one of them rekindles my joy for life (don’t get me wrong I am not the least bit suicidal – I just don’t enjoy my life very much and I so desperately want to). So far nothing really sparks joy as I can neither see myself living in Scotland after Brexit nor can I see myself going home.
I would love to move to Finland next but it will just be too expensive to move from Scotland to Finland with two horses. I also am afraid that I won’t survive a Finnish winter and I do fear for my horses (wolves and bears you know) as they’re supposed to live outdoors 24/7 365 days of the year. I don’t know if this is possible in Finland. I would also like to see where the whole IndyRef2 discussion leads to (yes I am YES) but all these factors just add to my feeling of not having any anchorage.
I didn’t feel like I belonged in my home country, I don’t feel at home in my dream country and I am unsure if I could survive or afford the next best thing – Finland. It is hard to re-organise your life if you’re unable to make proper future plans. I would love to not give a fuck and live the gypsy lifestyle but my hubby doesn’t want to. Seeing that I can neither find a place to settle nor can be a wayfaring stranger, I find myself in limbo and it is harder to bear than hell. So, I decided to focus more on inner or personal changes instead. Thinking if I knew what kind of life I want, it wouldn’t matter where. But it does. Still, I will try my best to find my footing again. We decided that we make sure we actually see and experience Scotland before we have to leave. Hoping that it will saying goodbye easier when the time comes.
Oh bother, I didn’t intend for this entry to get all gloomy and sad. I thought I could come up with something witty to write about third-life-crisis and maybe even a plan or project and all it did was get me down.
I better stop here! Don’t want to ruin your or my Sunday any further.